Let’s all welcome Rachel Renee Russell, author of Dork Diaries to Peeking Between the Pages today. Dork Diaries is sure to be a big hit with middle school girls! I read it and even now in my forties could still remember the feelings of being back in the eighth grade–take a peek at my review here.
Today Rachel is going to share with us a diary entry from the book, one I found particularly amusing. I could totally see a young tween trying to pull something like this off. So, sit back and be prepared for a giggle or two…
I was up getting ready for school when I noticed I STILL had that rash from my phony cell phone! I almost choked on my, Minty Fresh, Tartar Control, Extra Brightening, Mouthwash Strength, Cavity Fighting, gel toothpaste.
Now that my crush, Brandon, had finally noticed I was alive, there was NO WAY I was going to school with a rash that made my ear look like it belonged to a severely sunburned Keebler elf. You know, the ones who bake cookies inside a tree trunk infested with ants, termites, centipedes, and beetles. I always wondered what those brown crunchy things were in their cookies. Ewwww!
Anyway, I knew my mom was NOT going to let me stay home from school unless I was spiking a temperature of at least 289 degrees. Which, BTW, is the same temp she uses to bake her Thanksgiving turkey.
My mom’s life motto is, “Hey! Why let a little case of gangrene or leprosy get in the way of achieving a good education?!”
After trying every trick in the book, I finally figured out how to convince my mom I was too ill to go to school. I had to PRETEND to throw-up all over myself.
Now, how SICK is THAT?!
I came up with this idea last spring after Brianna had the stomach flu. Mom took time off from work and let my little sister stay home from school an entire week.
On top of that, she totally pampered Brianna by buying her all of her favorite Disney movies on DVD and a new computer game to keep her occupied while she was in bed.
I think all of that vomiting must have really gotten to mom. About 3 weeks later, I had a bad case of strep throat and was hoping to at least get a couple of new CD’s out of it. But, all mom bought me was a cruddy box of Popsicles! And, to make matters worse, they were the really gross, low-calorie kind with no sugar. They tasted like frozen pickle juice on a stick. I was like, delish!
Thanks a million, Mom!
Since I was pretty sure mom was not going to consider my rash serious enough to let me stay home from school, I decided to run downstairs and make up a quick batch of phony vomit.
Lucky for me, I was the first one out of bed which meant I had the kitchen completely to myself for about 15 minutes. I changed into my heart PJs and rushed downstairs.
My secret recipe was easy to make and it looked and smelled like the real thing:
1 – cup of cooked oatmeal
½ – cup of sour cream(or buttermilk ranch dressing or anything that smells like rancid, sour milk)
2 – chopped cheese sticks (for chunkiness)
1 – uncooked egg (for authentic slimy texture)
1 – can split pea soup (for putrid green color)
¼ – cup of raisins(to increase gross-osity)
Mix ingredients and simmer over low heat for 2 minutes. Let mixture cool to warm vomit temperature. Makes 4 to 5 cups.
WARNING: This stuff is SO gross that it might really make you sick to your stomach and cause you to really throw up. In which case, you will really need to stay home from school.
I poured up about 2 cups, ran back upstairs to my room, and dumped it down the front of my heart PJs. Then, I yelled down the hall in a really whiney voice:
“MOM! Please come quick! I don’t feel so good. My stomach is really queasy and I think I’m going to…
Of course, it worked like a charm!! Mom was totally convinced and said that not only did I have an upset stomach, but there was a mild rash on my ear.
She said that since I was not running a temperature, I’d probably feel better after a day of bed rest. I told her that suddenly I was feeling a lot better already
I actually slept until the Tyra Banks show came on at noon. I just LOVE that girl!
However, when I went into the kitchen to grab a bite for lunch, I suddenly realized I had totally FORGOTTEN to pour the leftovers of my “vomit” down the garbage disposal.
So, when I saw that my mom had left a note for me on the counter right next to the now empty pot, I just KNEW she was on to me and I was in really BIG trouble. I totally panicked and my stomach started feeling queasy, but this time FOR REAL! Her note said:
Thank you for making breakfast for us even though you were not feeling well this morning. Your oatmeal was delicious and we all had seconds. You MUST cook this for us again soon. We are so very lucky to have such a KIND and CONSIDERATE daughter! Thanks again.
P.S. Hope you’re feeling better!
I spent the entire afternoon just lounging around, watching television and raiding the ‘fridge. I even ordered a pizza!
Plus, I had THREE things to be VERY happy about:
1.The Tyra Banks Show ROCKED!
2.My rash completely cleared up
3.My parents think I’m a 14-year-old Rachel Ray
Rachel has very kindly offered up one of Nikki’s purses with a copy of the book as a giveaway. Isn’t that awesome! There are two different patterns that you could win-one is a colorful graffiti design and the other a hot pink heart print. Just a note: this is only a marketing idea that Rachel had, if you buy the book later on in store it does not come with the purse. Here’s a picture of what mine looked like when it arrived and the goodies inside…
What do you have to do to enter to win one of these great purses and the book…
- For 1 entry leave me a comment with a way to contact you please.
- For 2 entries share with me something crazy you did as a kid to get out of school or even something one of your own kids has tried to pull off.
- For 3 entries blog or tweet the giveaway to spread the word.
This giveaway is open to US and Canadian residents only (no PO boxes). The purse and book will be coming directly from Rachel. I will draw for the one lucky winner on Monday, June 15, 2009.
Thanks so much for joining us today at Peeking Between the Pages Rachel. It was great fun! I wish you the best of luck in the future and I’m looking forward to Dork Diaries 2.